I am not trying to be smart or fancy by the use of those two words. This is genuinely, what I have had to achieve within myself most recently. โฃโฃ โฃโฃ Having been very poorly and unable to exercise, including run or yoga for TWO WHOLE WEEKS (for reference, this is the longest time in around 2 years), It has made me feel a little fraudulent with my identity, or perhaps for want of a better phrase ‘a little lost within myself’. โฃโฃ But hear me out – it is not ALL negative! โฃโฃ Now, initially the loss of running and exercise as a whole was difficult, and always has been. I run to live a happier, more positive life don’t forget – and for me running is crucial for the stability of my well being and mental health. Normally I’d be climbing the walls for a fix of my dopamine and endorphins by day 4, but this time around I have been much calmer. โฃโฃ During this past fortnight I have had sudden pangs, or thoughts that: ‘๐ ๐๐๐๐ฅ ๐ฌ๐จ ๐จ๐ฎ๐ญ ๐จ๐ ๐ญ๐จ๐ฎ๐๐ก ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ง๐ง๐ข๐ง๐ !’ – which granted, have lasted a measly few seconds, but it is long enough to leave a lasting pondering in my mind. It has been so so hard to come back following London Marathon, which I now understand was a far more taxing event upon my body and nervous system than I realised it to be. Just as I was making headway with running and fitness I came down with this sickness, and so I feel like I’m a long way away from the runner I was during the height of Marathon Training. But then I remember, that this is a different season right now, and it’s okay not to be in A Game Shape – and there will most definitely be plans of returning to that place again this year, but all in good time. I am ok with that – ๐๐ค๐ค๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ต๐ข๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ.โฃโฃ โฃโฃ This time off has been a blessing in disguise, I am grateful for the time at which it came, and I realise now it has been very important to me. Thanks to this extra time, I have been able to put together some plans and material for something I soon to fabricate into reality MY VERY OWN PODCAST and it is so very exciting! I have learnt, incredulously, that there is something else that brings me almost the same joy as my two flying feet that pound the pavement and trails, though on a different level. WOW! what a finding this has been, and very unexpected – and the vision is bigger than Running and my sense of identity, or any validation I could find through this pastime – ๐๐ณ๐ข๐ฏ๐ด๐ค๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ. โฃโฃ
Something great is happening, and I can see it coming!
Sorry Magazine VLM 2018 You’re In Magazine VLM 2019
What most people wonโt know, is that it was my second attempt at getting into the London Marathon Ballot, my second try and first win. What people also won’t know is that I am very glad my first entry was rejected. I could have been Marathon ready but I’m glad I didn’t have the pressure to train so early on into my running life, having that rejection gave me time to build a better foundation for my running mechanics and build up experience and miles in a slower, safer way. I am just as thankful for that sorry magazine as I was for my second magazine.
Following my second entry to the ballot and being the incessant Running Geek that I am and eager to run one of the World Major Marathons, and dare I say the most sought after Marathon [Boston is a different playing field, as most of us runners would agree]: I swatted over the Marathonโs statistics and specifically the ballot statistics for months before the results were out. I knew the general odds of getting in via the Ballot were not in my favour.ย The odds worked out as this: Around 414,100 odd entered the ballot for 2019’s race and only 17,500 would be given a Ballot entry. The remaining places would be offered to Charities, Good For Age, Championship, Elites and then Competitions. My odds were about 4%. Despite this, I knew that I would be running the London Marathon 2019, in some way or another. I had never been so certain of any other dream or goal in my life before. I was so certain that I booked the Annual Leave from work during May 2018, I saved the Note: โLondon Marathon [followed with some excitable emojis]โ. I knew I was going, and I put it out to the universe, and thanked my lucky stars, and continued to visualise.ย
Despite this I was still anxious, eagerly, frantically awaiting my ballot result in October; because life has taught me not to count chickens before their hatched! This is a slightly contradictory rule to live by when you also try to believe and be positive, and use the law of attraction when you can.
09/10/2018 Gran Canaria
It was our first day on holiday. I sent my mother a text message in the morning asking her to check my post for me and explained why. She told me: โYes I did see a London Magazine but Iโve not opened the package, Iโve left it there for youโ. My excitement ran through my whole body, like adrenaline pulses your body before a tough workout. I needed to know what the magazine said – but of course, mum was out having her nails done and then meeting a friend for lunch, so Iโd have to be a little more patient. Of course my stepdad was out for a few hours too arrrrgh!! I had to play along with the waiting game, and tried to remain calm. Someone on Instagram shared that you could access your Buzz account and your ballot result would be online, I tried but failed to login. Once I accessed my account I could not see anywhere how you could find that information, I swear it must have been a joke so I knew patience it had to be. During that morning I downloaded the following book to my Kindle: โ Run Smartโ by John Brewer. I started the book, and was fascinated, reading page after page. Gripped!
Sat on a sunbed on a beach in Gran Canaria, I reached for my phone and took it off Plane Mode – I didnโt care about using additional data, Iโd waited long enough now. I checked my phone through the glaring sun to see mum had messagedโฆ there was an image, Eeeek! The moment of truth. My hands were shaking as I tried to unlock my phone, using my other hand to aid me from the sun. There it was: โYouโre in!โ I was in, I was going to run a Marathon. THE LONDON MARATHON. I had won the lottery. The lottery that is the London Marathon Ballot. I was a lucky 4% holder of an entry to one of the greatest races ever. I cried with absolute joy, I was so happy.
It did not seem coincidental to me that Iโd downloaded the John Brewer Book that morning, I was running a Marathon – theย ultimate Marathon and I would train sensibly, and “Run Smart” acquiring all knowledge possible to ensure the BEST lead up to my first ever Marathon, to ensure when I toed the line in April 2019 I was ready and certain of my fate, as certain as I was that I was to run this race.ย
Yes the odds may not be in everyone’s favour – but you just never know! If you have entered the Ballot for 2020 and wish to run the race, have faith and believe. If you get in that’s great! If you don’t get in well maybe the Universe may have other plans for you, or maybe it’s just not the right timing – YET! Que Serรก, serรก – what will be will be.
Check the link for Anthony Hatswell’s write up on the VLM Ballot odds:
Flashback to Autumn 2013, living in Valencia. This was me, absolutely on cloud 9, Life was beautiful, grass was the greenest, the sky was always blue. Everything happened for a reason, stars aligned daily, hourly in fact. Everything was attainable, and I was positive 24/7, I was invincible. It was an exhilarating time, a time of no fears, no angst, just pure confidence and happiness. But it was shortly lived.
Fast forward just four months later, and I could barely leave my flat, I couldnโt socialise. I couldnโt care for myself. I was addicted to food, binging, then purging, body shaming, exercising in disgust and to punish but also in attempt to grasp hold of my physical and mental health but failing miserably. I left my flat only to walk to the shop and buy more food, to binge and release a crazy short lived euphoria, the result of a release of dopamine when binging. I put on around 2 stone in just 4 months. I was severely depressed and despite already taking prescribed medications, living in a beautiful city, with great friends around me, no need to work, I was the most unhappy I have ever been.
Luckily I did eventually become better, but it was a long, long time before I did, years in fact. I have experienced mental health issues since the age of 16, I am now 27. I went a long time with no diagnosis following some life events including the passing of my brother when I was 14. I was initially diagnosed with depression, but later was given a diagnosis of Bipolar (Type 2), by two separate psychiatrists two years apart. Looking back Iโd say I was definitely depressed more than I was ever happy, or hypomanic, as I did experience at least twice, including the first part of my year abroad in Valencia. I was so desperate on so many occasions for the help I needed, so much so I sought professional help privately. Firstly, and luckily through family health insurance, and the second time by using my student overdraft and loan. It was a gruelling few years, and admittedly I have pushed away many memories and have forgotten them as best I can, because it makes me a little sad when I think just how poorly I was.
April 2014
During these years of enduring mental health issues, body image and disordered eating have been prominent. Initially, what started off as a healthy choice and execution of losing weight was soon to become the beginning of several years of managing, or not managing, a series of dieting, restricting, exercising, losing weight, then gaining weight, binging, purging, and punishing exercise. I was initially overweight and lost three and a half stone when I was just 16 and whilst at secondary school. This weight loss was for the majority, a heathy thing, though I probably didnโt need to lose the final half a stone.
As my mental health worsened over the years, my confidence lowered, or rather it disappeared totally, and my ability to socialise was almost non existent. My mental health and body image ruled my life for such a long time, and consequently as I despaired from it all I suffered with suicidal ideation, and on two occasions took an overdose, one of which resulted in a 3 day hospital stay.
Nowadays, I almost find it hard to believe just what occurred, and how I felt for so long. Today I am the happiest I have ever been, the most confident I have ever been, and I love to socialise. I have not being taking anti-depressants for 2 1/2 years, and I havenโt had to take my other medication for 9 months. Donโt get me wrong, I have some periods, some dips in mood, or struggles with social events, and anxiety but it is nothing like it used to be. Iโd say it is manageable 95% of the time. Although there are certainly some other contributing factors towards this new found self such as age, life experience, stability and routine with job and daily life, and a stable relationship, I do have to account running for the primary reason. This may sound daft to some, but probably for the most reading this it will sound perfectly normal, as Iโd hazard a guess that 99% of the audience are runners themselves.
When I started running on the 25/03/17 I donโt think I could have preempted the change that would occur in my life. I started running as a way to help me with my challenge to quit smoking for lent that year, which I achieved. It enabled me to keep living my life without the need for anti-depressants, it allowed me to be healthy and active and keep in shape. It has introduced me to a whole new community and social circle I never had before, this support has been a huge blessing in my life. It has assisted me in keeping a stable and healthy bodyweight, and has amazingly kept my disordered eating at bay. This is without a doubt the healthiest relationship I have had with food since – forever! Again I account this to running.ย
September 2018
Running allows me to be motivated, to be determined, to never give up when times are difficult. To get up and go even when you donโt feel like moving at all, to be resilient and strong. To be brave and confident, and socialise when you fear it the most; to be proud and happy. It has taught me to be enthusiastic, and goal-orientated, it has shown me dreams I never knew I had. Most importantly it has taught me to love life more than Iโve ever loved and enjoyed it before, and for that reason I am forever grateful.
I urge anyone who may be feeling a little blue, or out of sorts, to speak up. Tell a loved one, or colleague, seek support and advice, know that there is support available.
Something I had to try and convince myself many a day: This will pass, it wonโt stay forever.
Disclaimer: This Post was carefully written and selected information only was included, though additional information could have been useful for those who may not know a lot about this topic, it has been avoided because its intent is to raise awareness, encourage conversation, while avoiding any potential hazard of Triggering those who currently struggle with or who have had their struggles with Eating Disorders. If you feel fragile – please consider reading later.
“It looks unhealthy too!”
The other day I received a comment upon the picture I posted of my dinner. โI donโt like ***** looks unhealthy tooโ. Whatโs surprising is this was on my personal page, not my Not Another Runner page. I remember thinking; did I ask you for your opinion? I didnโt type this aloud. But rather ignored the comment and did not allow it to fester, I was already in a bad way and struggling with my emotions and habits around food. That person did not know that, that person also did not know my years of struggles. They also won’t know that it took me 10 years to comfortably eat the mentioned food, without feeling immense guilt and a desire to purge in bid to rid myself of its fat and calories. But I did think – can we not be kinder? Hey, think my food is unhealthy, fine, but unless I ask you for your opinion Iโm not sure itโs welcomed. I understand the art of free speech, especially via my public space of Not Another Runner. A public page, Podcast and space like the one I have created via Instagram comes with it a health-warning. But as many of you know – I also believe unless words are positive or come from a kind and loving place that is purely for constructive feedback – is there a need?ย
Recently I have felt the happiest Iโve felt in a long time; the most secure and confident Iโve ever felt in my own self, and just simply happy. But equally I have had moments of deep unhappiness. I am well aware that I am an incredibly emotional person, my empathic nature is both a blessing and a curse, and thankfully over the years I have learnt and continue to learn to strengthen the very positive factors that come with being an empath.
The current climate, brings with it a heavy and at times unsettling and disturbing energy, I am very aware that I am not alone in the struggle I write of Today, which is again another reason I could not put it off any longer – this has been weeks in the writing.
Despite the recent imposed lockdown here in the UK and restrictions imposed upon us I have had so much to be thankful for and never do I take for granted the many things I am truly and utterly grateful for, some of which include:
I have been able to go to work since lockdown began, I therefore see and speakย [*rather shout across the room from our socially distanced stations] with amazing colleagues with which we lift each otherโs spirits daily and never fail to make each other laugh, we are also able to keep in touch with those colleagues who are working from home thanks greatly to Skype Meetings. I am SO truly grateful for that.
I have many great friends and family and we keep in touch in many virtual forms, I would be lost without them and love them dearly.
I am also very thankful that I am kept busy with the Podcast and all things Not Another Runner Related and the beautiful and special online community which includes Instagram, Facebook, Podcast and Strava – all of which keeps me grounded, supported, and connected with so many of you special people I know both in person and virtually. Thank you.ย
I was blessed too in sharing my home and spending the first 6 weeks of Lockdown with both my sister and nephew, and for that I am truly grateful, a period I will forever cherish
But in this crazy time, and going from a household of three back to just myself, and the pangs of loneliness and disturbed sleep and generally navigating these strange times I noticed an old habit trying, and at times succeeding, to resurface: Eating Through Emotions.ย
Now, again I am well aware many of us do this, just like many took to drinking more alcohol at the beginning of lockdown, and some still continue. I also see and hear many people say how they are eating because they are at home much more than before, and boredom strikes, so the cupboard doors are opening and closing and the snack intake increases. Thatโs ok. At the beginning of lockdown I didnโt mind so much, I shrugged off the slightly more frequent alcoholic drinks and snacks and rationalised it. I understood that I was not drinking [very] excessively but rather enjoying more than one drink a little more regularly throughout the week. And I knew in the grand scheme of things – I was doing ok. At the time I was working long hours, overtime, and had the busiest month I have ever had for the Podcast which required working to a timeline and deadlines committed to a Business Partner, again all whilst working more hours than the usual. Many of those days at beginning of lockdown looked like the following:
6:00 – get up Shower, Dress and Eat, check emails – and complete small correspondence or admin.
7:45 Leave to go to work
5:30-6 Arrive home from work
6:00pm prepare dinner and lunch for work the next day,
7:00pm exercise & eat dinner
8:30-10:30 More Not Another Runner Admin
Sleep & Repeat.
This went on a few weeks, and even when the workload was less it was still a juggling act.
Thankfully the schedule is nothing like this anymore, but I felt its affects long after I was able to slow down. [Though some days are like the above they are less frequent, kind of.] As the slow down began, there was a lot more โtimeโ on my hands than there was before.ย
The cravings started kicking in but they were manageable, and under control.
Sadly another few weeks down the line it became harder again, and it was getting much harder to control.
Thankfully the last couple weeks, it has been easier to manage again as I repeat some of the techniques that work for me. [See below].
But in case you found yourself here, and are not very familiar with BED:
It is regularly eating large portions of food all at once until you feel uncomfortably full, and then often upset or guilty. This can trigger a desire to purge or over exercise to undo the damage caused. It involves eating Fast, When not hungry, in private or secretly, until very full.
It is a recognised Eating Disorder that often intertwines with Body Dysmorphia, Orthorexia, and Bulimia, all of which are disordered forms of eating I can admit to struggling with during my past.
Though the recent discovery of these old feelings is nowhere near as destructive and out of control like it once was, again I admit it has been HARD to control. I have tools, and coping mechanisms yet I STILL struggle.
Itโs taken me years and years to tackle what was once an embarrassing and to me, extremely shameful addiction: Food – and Binge Eating Disorder. Prior to this it was restricted eating, and compulsive and obsessive exercising, and obsessing over my body and what I looked like. Itโs been a roller coaster ride of losing weight, controlling eating habits, body dysmorphia, orthorexia, then bulimia and binge eating disorder. It has taken much self-taught coping mechanisms, counselling, medication and some CBT to assist that struggle. But Running has been one of the biggest reasons I was finally able to overcome these struggles, as it taught me how to be strong and confident in my own body, and understand that fuelling your body correctly was one of the best things you can do as a Runner.
Itโs unsettling therefore, to have seen some old bad habits creep in and mentally having to battle the impulses, something I thought was long gone. I have found it puzzling, frustrating, and exhausting that it was becoming harder and harder to manage when I had also felt very happy and secure within myself, I wanโt depressed like I was when I did struggle with the Eating Disorder, so why was it affecting me now? It was upsetting to feel โweakโ and controlled by the behaviours again and It is also a daunting prospect to publicly admit this when I am aware friends, family and colleagues now follow this space too. But like I โre-sharedโ on Instagram the other day :ย
โI Share my story so people can break free of theirs. Listen, whoever judges you for YOUR honesty has yet to reveal theirs.โ [Mr Self Love]
When I started running in March 2017, I was able to kick my 10-a-day cigarette habit. A habit I took to out of desperation in 2014 when I could not manage my out-of-control impulses when it came to food and binging and purging.
Dale Half Marathon 2018
Running enabled me to quit smoking, to improve my health and fitness and in doing so it taught me to adopt and harness a healthier relationship with food, finally! It also enabled me to wean off both anti-depressant and mood stabilising medication I had been prescribed and been taking for my Bipolar Disorder. It may have taken me a total of 2 years to finally come off all medication, but I achieved it primarily through the discovery of running and the continuous positive impact it had upon my life and me as a person.
So fast-forward to now, approaching nine months of injury; lots and lots of patience with restricted movement, and discovering a new normal and new coping mechanisms whilst I still cannot exercise like I once loved to and relied so heavily upon for my mental health. Combine this with navigating a Break-up, moving into my own place, living alone; navigating life during a Global Pandemic, unsettled by a new routine, managing stress and crippling anxiety; and then going from 6 amazing weeks living with my sister and nephew to living alone again, all whilst still working and juggling and managing the Podcast. Itโs fair to say a lot has happened in these last 6 months. And the one thing I would have used to manage all this has been taken out of the equation: running.ย
I could share so very much on this topic, how badly it affected me; how I was controlled by the addiction of food, binging, and then the guilt and shame that would always follow. How I could not control the habit and would steal foods from friends and family, queue at the shop at opening hours to re-stock on binge foods, and how I attended meetings for support to try and overcome the habit, and how sheer desperation and depression made me inexplicably and shamefully tempted to turn to drugs in order to finally kick it!! Thankfully, (a million times over) I did not do that. But I was desperate to get rid of this uncontrollable habit. Thankfully though in 2017 and the discovery of running helped conquer both addictions, both food and smoking.ย At the height of my lowest and most difficult depressive phases I have been consumed by BED, which was accompanied with major depression, social anxiety disorder, and suicidal thoughts.
My injury and inability to exercise like I used to during these past nine months has meant at some low points it is harder to โkeep things in checkโ, though overall I have done very well. It means I have to be stronger, more intentional and remind myself continuously of some of the coping mechanisms which work. I have included a list of my most trusted below along with some resources in hope to support others struggling with this issue, and encourage others to talk about it.
On-going Coping Strategies
Exercise if/when possible – even a walk or 10 minute Yoga can help
Routine, even if at home or working varied hours – maintain routine as much as possible!
Keep Meals and Snacks same times of the day – if possible
Sleep. Important for so many reasons
When an Impulse feels strong
Call/Facetime a friend/Family Member
Meditate/Yoga or go for a walk even just 10/15 Minutes can assist in beating the Craving
Journal – Write down what you are feeling and reflect, then move onto another task
Read a Book
Watch an uplifting film/documentary
Clean/Tidy – this helps to come out of your thoughts and focus attention elsewhere
Hot Bath/Shower
Complete a grounding exercise where you can focus on your body and surroundings: this could be as simple as painting your nails, gardening, cleaning
I am hoping by sharing some basic thoughts and the ongoing coping mechanisms I use may support someone, and encourage others that it is okay to speak up and seek support. BED is a recognised eating disorder, and regardless of what eating disorder or disordered eating you may have please donโt feel ashamed to speak up – you can get the support you need. If you are struggling with either please seek advice from a GP who can point you in the right direction. And always, always talk to someone; be that a friend, family member, or colleague.ย See below for some resources.
I say it often over on Instagram;
We are so much more than our aesthetic selves, or our exterior; the soul we choose to carry and harness is worth much more than our external self. The more we consciously choose to work upon our inner self, the happier and more at peace we can become. Donโt allow othersโ mentality and actions or words prevent you from the hard work you have done to overcome your struggles and become the person you are supposed to be.
Binge Eating Disorder Resources
BED: Revealing Binge Eating Disorder from a Clinical and a Patient Perspective:
Not Another Runner's Blog 