An honest confession, and a life changing discovery.

Flashback to Autumn 2013, living in Valencia. This was me, absolutely on cloud 9, Life was beautiful, grass was the greenest, the sky was always blue. Everything happened for a reason, stars aligned daily, hourly in fact. Everything was attainable, and I was positive 24/7, I was invincible. It was an exhilarating time, a time of no fears, no angst, just pure confidence and happiness. But it was shortly lived.

Fast forward just four months later, and I could barely leave my flat, I couldn’t socialise. I couldn’t care for myself. I was addicted to food, binging, then purging, body shaming, exercising in disgust and to punish but also in attempt to grasp hold of my physical and mental health but failing miserably. I left my flat only to walk to the shop and buy more food, to binge and release a crazy short lived euphoria, the result of a release of dopamine when binging. I put on around 2 stone in just 4 months. I was severely depressed and despite already taking prescribed medications, living in a beautiful city, with great friends around me, no need to work, I was the most unhappy I have ever been. 

Luckily I did eventually become better, but it was a long, long time before I did, years in fact. I have experienced mental health issues since the age of 16, I am now 27. I went a long time with no diagnosis following some life events including the passing of my brother when I was 14. I was initially diagnosed with depression, but later was given a diagnosis of Bipolar (Type 2), by two separate psychiatrists two years apart. Looking back I’d say I was definitely depressed more than I was ever happy, or hypomanic, as I did experience at least twice, including the first part of my year abroad in Valencia. I was so desperate on so many occasions for the help I needed, so much so I sought professional help privately. Firstly, and luckily through family health insurance, and the second time by using my student overdraft and loan. It was a gruelling few years, and admittedly I have pushed away many memories and have forgotten them as best I can, because it makes me a little sad when I think just how poorly I was.

During these years of enduring mental health issues, body image and disordered eating have been prominent. Initially, what started off as a healthy choice and execution of losing weight was soon to become the beginning of several years of managing, or not managing, a series of dieting, restricting, exercising, losing weight, then gaining weight, binging, purging, and punishing exercise. I was initially overweight and lost three and a half stone when I was just 16 and whilst at secondary school. This weight loss was for the majority, a heathy thing, though I probably didn’t need to lose the final half a stone. 

As my mental health worsened over the years, my confidence lowered, or rather it disappeared totally, and my ability to socialise was almost non existent. My mental health and body image ruled my life for such a long time, and consequently as I despaired from it all I suffered with suicidal ideation, and on two occasions took an overdose, one of which resulted in a 3 day hospital stay. 

Nowadays, I almost find it hard to believe just what occurred, and how I felt for so long. Today I am the happiest I have ever been, the most confident I have ever been, and I love to socialise. I have not being taking anti-depressants for 2 1/2 years, and I haven’t had to take my other medication for 9 months. Don’t get me wrong, I have some periods, some dips in mood, or struggles with social events, and anxiety but it is nothing like it used to be. I’d say it is manageable 95% of the time. Although there are certainly some other contributing factors towards this new found self such as age, life experience, stability and routine with job and daily life, and a stable relationship, I do have to account running for the primary reason. This may sound daft to some, but probably for the most reading this it will sound perfectly normal, as I’d hazard a guess that 99% of the audience are runners themselves. 

When I started running on the 25/03/17 I don’t think I could have preempted the change that would occur in my life. I started running as a way to help me with my challenge to quit smoking for lent that year, which I achieved. It enabled me to keep living my life without the need for anti-depressants, it allowed me to be healthy and active and keep in shape. It has introduced me to a whole new community and social circle I never had before, this support has been a huge blessing in my life. It has assisted me in keeping a stable and healthy bodyweight, and has amazingly kept my disordered eating at bay. This is without a doubt the healthiest relationship I have had with food since – forever! Again I account this to running. 

Running allows me to be motivated, to be determined, to never give up when times are difficult. To get up and go even when you don’t feel like moving at all, to be resilient and strong. To be brave and confident, and socialise when you fear it the most; to be proud and happy. It has taught me to be enthusiastic, and goal-orientated, it has shown me dreams I never knew I had. Most importantly it has taught me to love life more than I’ve ever loved and enjoyed it before, and for that reason I am forever grateful.

I urge anyone who may be feeling a little blue, or out of sorts, to speak up. Tell a loved one, or colleague, seek support and advice, know that there is support available. 

Something I had to try and convince myself many a day: This will pass, it won’t stay forever.