Disclaimer: This Post was carefully written and selected information only was included, though additional information could have been useful for those who may not know a lot about this topic, it has been avoided because its intent is to raise awareness, encourage conversation, while avoiding any potential hazard of Triggering those who currently struggle with or who have had their struggles with Eating Disorders. If you feel fragile – please consider reading later.
The other day I received a comment upon the picture I posted of my dinner. “I don’t like ***** looks unhealthy too”. What’s surprising is this was on my personal page, not my Not Another Runner page. I remember thinking; did I ask you for your opinion? I didn’t type this aloud. But rather ignored the comment and did not allow it to fester, I was already in a bad way and struggling with my emotions and habits around food. That person did not know that, that person also did not know my years of struggles. They also won’t know that it took me 10 years to comfortably eat the mentioned food, without feeling immense guilt and a desire to purge in bid to rid myself of its fat and calories. But I did think – can we not be kinder? Hey, think my food is unhealthy, fine, but unless I ask you for your opinion I’m not sure it’s welcomed. I understand the art of free speech, especially via my public space of Not Another Runner. A public page, Podcast and space like the one I have created via Instagram comes with it a health-warning. But as many of you know – I also believe unless words are positive or come from a kind and loving place that is purely for constructive feedback – is there a need?
Recently I have felt the happiest I’ve felt in a long time; the most secure and confident I’ve ever felt in my own self, and just simply happy. But equally I have had moments of deep unhappiness. I am well aware that I am an incredibly emotional person, my empathic nature is both a blessing and a curse, and thankfully over the years I have learnt and continue to learn to strengthen the very positive factors that come with being an empath.
The current climate, brings with it a heavy and at times unsettling and disturbing energy, I am very aware that I am not alone in the struggle I write of Today, which is again another reason I could not put it off any longer – this has been weeks in the writing.
Despite the recent imposed lockdown here in the UK and restrictions imposed upon us I have had so much to be thankful for and never do I take for granted the many things I am truly and utterly grateful for, some of which include:
I have been able to go to work since lockdown began, I therefore see and speak [*rather shout across the room from our socially distanced stations] with amazing colleagues with which we lift each other’s spirits daily and never fail to make each other laugh, we are also able to keep in touch with those colleagues who are working from home thanks greatly to Skype Meetings. I am SO truly grateful for that.
I have many great friends and family and we keep in touch in many virtual forms, I would be lost without them and love them dearly.
I am also very thankful that I am kept busy with the Podcast and all things Not Another Runner Related and the beautiful and special online community which includes Instagram, Facebook, Podcast and Strava – all of which keeps me grounded, supported, and connected with so many of you special people I know both in person and virtually. Thank you.
I was blessed too in sharing my home and spending the first 6 weeks of Lockdown with both my sister and nephew, and for that I am truly grateful, a period I will forever cherish
But in this crazy time, and going from a household of three back to just myself, and the pangs of loneliness and disturbed sleep and generally navigating these strange times I noticed an old habit trying, and at times succeeding, to resurface: Eating Through Emotions.
Now, again I am well aware many of us do this, just like many took to drinking more alcohol at the beginning of lockdown, and some still continue. I also see and hear many people say how they are eating because they are at home much more than before, and boredom strikes, so the cupboard doors are opening and closing and the snack intake increases. That’s ok. At the beginning of lockdown I didn’t mind so much, I shrugged off the slightly more frequent alcoholic drinks and snacks and rationalised it. I understood that I was not drinking [very] excessively but rather enjoying more than one drink a little more regularly throughout the week. And I knew in the grand scheme of things – I was doing ok. At the time I was working long hours, overtime, and had the busiest month I have ever had for the Podcast which required working to a timeline and deadlines committed to a Business Partner, again all whilst working more hours than the usual. Many of those days at beginning of lockdown looked like the following:
6:00 – get up Shower, Dress and Eat, check emails – and complete small correspondence or admin.
7:45 Leave to go to work
5:30-6 Arrive home from work
6:00pm prepare dinner and lunch for work the next day,
7:00pm exercise & eat dinner
8:30-10:30 More Not Another Runner Admin
Sleep & Repeat.
This went on a few weeks, and even when the workload was less it was still a juggling act.
Thankfully the schedule is nothing like this anymore, but I felt its affects long after I was able to slow down. [Though some days are like the above they are less frequent, kind of.] As the slow down began, there was a lot more ‘time’ on my hands than there was before.
The cravings started kicking in but they were manageable, and under control.
Sadly another few weeks down the line it became harder again, and it was getting much harder to control.
Thankfully the last couple weeks, it has been easier to manage again as I repeat some of the techniques that work for me. [See below].
But in case you found yourself here, and are not very familiar with BED:
It is regularly eating large portions of food all at once until you feel uncomfortably full, and then often upset or guilty. This can trigger a desire to purge or over exercise to undo the damage caused. It involves eating Fast, When not hungry, in private or secretly, until very full.
It is a recognised Eating Disorder that often intertwines with Body Dysmorphia, Orthorexia, and Bulimia, all of which are disordered forms of eating I can admit to struggling with during my past.
Though the recent discovery of these old feelings is nowhere near as destructive and out of control like it once was, again I admit it has been HARD to control. I have tools, and coping mechanisms yet I STILL struggle.
It’s taken me years and years to tackle what was once an embarrassing and to me, extremely shameful addiction: Food – and Binge Eating Disorder. Prior to this it was restricted eating, and compulsive and obsessive exercising, and obsessing over my body and what I looked like. It’s been a roller coaster ride of losing weight, controlling eating habits, body dysmorphia, orthorexia, then bulimia and binge eating disorder. It has taken much self-taught coping mechanisms, counselling, medication and some CBT to assist that struggle. But Running has been one of the biggest reasons I was finally able to overcome these struggles, as it taught me how to be strong and confident in my own body, and understand that fuelling your body correctly was one of the best things you can do as a Runner.
It’s unsettling therefore, to have seen some old bad habits creep in and mentally having to battle the impulses, something I thought was long gone. I have found it puzzling, frustrating, and exhausting that it was becoming harder and harder to manage when I had also felt very happy and secure within myself, I wan’t depressed like I was when I did struggle with the Eating Disorder, so why was it affecting me now? It was upsetting to feel ‘weak’ and controlled by the behaviours again and It is also a daunting prospect to publicly admit this when I am aware friends, family and colleagues now follow this space too. But like I ‘re-shared’ on Instagram the other day :
“I Share my story so people can break free of theirs. Listen, whoever judges you for YOUR honesty has yet to reveal theirs.” [Mr Self Love]
When I started running in March 2017, I was able to kick my 10-a-day cigarette habit. A habit I took to out of desperation in 2014 when I could not manage my out-of-control impulses when it came to food and binging and purging.
Running enabled me to quit smoking, to improve my health and fitness and in doing so it taught me to adopt and harness a healthier relationship with food, finally! It also enabled me to wean off both anti-depressant and mood stabilising medication I had been prescribed and been taking for my Bipolar Disorder. It may have taken me a total of 2 years to finally come off all medication, but I achieved it primarily through the discovery of running and the continuous positive impact it had upon my life and me as a person.
So fast-forward to now, approaching nine months of injury; lots and lots of patience with restricted movement, and discovering a new normal and new coping mechanisms whilst I still cannot exercise like I once loved to and relied so heavily upon for my mental health. Combine this with navigating a Break-up, moving into my own place, living alone; navigating life during a Global Pandemic, unsettled by a new routine, managing stress and crippling anxiety; and then going from 6 amazing weeks living with my sister and nephew to living alone again, all whilst still working and juggling and managing the Podcast. It’s fair to say a lot has happened in these last 6 months. And the one thing I would have used to manage all this has been taken out of the equation: running.
I could share so very much on this topic, how badly it affected me; how I was controlled by the addiction of food, binging, and then the guilt and shame that would always follow. How I could not control the habit and would steal foods from friends and family, queue at the shop at opening hours to re-stock on binge foods, and how I attended meetings for support to try and overcome the habit, and how sheer desperation and depression made me inexplicably and shamefully tempted to turn to drugs in order to finally kick it!! Thankfully, (a million times over) I did not do that. But I was desperate to get rid of this uncontrollable habit. Thankfully though in 2017 and the discovery of running helped conquer both addictions, both food and smoking. At the height of my lowest and most difficult depressive phases I have been consumed by BED, which was accompanied with major depression, social anxiety disorder, and suicidal thoughts.
My injury and inability to exercise like I used to during these past nine months has meant at some low points it is harder to ‘keep things in check’, though overall I have done very well. It means I have to be stronger, more intentional and remind myself continuously of some of the coping mechanisms which work. I have included a list of my most trusted below along with some resources in hope to support others struggling with this issue, and encourage others to talk about it.
On-going Coping Strategies
- Exercise if/when possible – even a walk or 10 minute Yoga can help
- Routine, even if at home or working varied hours – maintain routine as much as possible!
- Keep Meals and Snacks same times of the day – if possible
- Sleep. Important for so many reasons
When an Impulse feels strong
- Call/Facetime a friend/Family Member
- Meditate/Yoga or go for a walk even just 10/15 Minutes can assist in beating the Craving
- Journal – Write down what you are feeling and reflect, then move onto another task
- Read a Book
- Watch an uplifting film/documentary
- Clean/Tidy – this helps to come out of your thoughts and focus attention elsewhere
- Hot Bath/Shower
- Complete a grounding exercise where you can focus on your body and surroundings: this could be as simple as painting your nails, gardening, cleaning
I am hoping by sharing some basic thoughts and the ongoing coping mechanisms I use may support someone, and encourage others that it is okay to speak up and seek support. BED is a recognised eating disorder, and regardless of what eating disorder or disordered eating you may have please don’t feel ashamed to speak up – you can get the support you need. If you are struggling with either please seek advice from a GP who can point you in the right direction. And always, always talk to someone; be that a friend, family member, or colleague. See below for some resources.
I say it often over on Instagram;
We are so much more than our aesthetic selves, or our exterior; the soul we choose to carry and harness is worth much more than our external self. The more we consciously choose to work upon our inner self, the happier and more at peace we can become. Don’t allow others’ mentality and actions or words prevent you from the hard work you have done to overcome your struggles and become the person you are supposed to be.
Binge Eating Disorder Resources
BED: Revealing Binge Eating Disorder from a Clinical and a Patient Perspective:
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/binge-eating/
Eating Disorder Support
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/Eating-disorders/
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/online-groups