I am not trying to be smart or fancy by the use of those two words. This is genuinely, what I have had to achieve within myself most recently. โฃโฃ โฃโฃ Having been very poorly and unable to exercise, including run or yoga for TWO WHOLE WEEKS (for reference, this is the longest time in around 2 years), It has made me feel a little fraudulent with my identity, or perhaps for want of a better phrase ‘a little lost within myself’. โฃโฃ But hear me out – it is not ALL negative! โฃโฃ Now, initially the loss of running and exercise as a whole was difficult, and always has been. I run to live a happier, more positive life don’t forget – and for me running is crucial for the stability of my well being and mental health. Normally I’d be climbing the walls for a fix of my dopamine and endorphins by day 4, but this time around I have been much calmer. โฃโฃ During this past fortnight I have had sudden pangs, or thoughts that: ‘๐ ๐๐๐๐ฅ ๐ฌ๐จ ๐จ๐ฎ๐ญ ๐จ๐ ๐ญ๐จ๐ฎ๐๐ก ๐ฐ๐ข๐ญ๐ก ๐ฆ๐ฒ ๐ซ๐ฎ๐ง๐ง๐ข๐ง๐ !’ – which granted, have lasted a measly few seconds, but it is long enough to leave a lasting pondering in my mind. It has been so so hard to come back following London Marathon, which I now understand was a far more taxing event upon my body and nervous system than I realised it to be. Just as I was making headway with running and fitness I came down with this sickness, and so I feel like I’m a long way away from the runner I was during the height of Marathon Training. But then I remember, that this is a different season right now, and it’s okay not to be in A Game Shape – and there will most definitely be plans of returning to that place again this year, but all in good time. I am ok with that – ๐๐ค๐ค๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ต๐ข๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ.โฃโฃ โฃโฃ This time off has been a blessing in disguise, I am grateful for the time at which it came, and I realise now it has been very important to me. Thanks to this extra time, I have been able to put together some plans and material for something I soon to fabricate into reality MY VERY OWN PODCAST and it is so very exciting! I have learnt, incredulously, that there is something else that brings me almost the same joy as my two flying feet that pound the pavement and trails, though on a different level. WOW! what a finding this has been, and very unexpected – and the vision is bigger than Running and my sense of identity, or any validation I could find through this pastime – ๐๐ณ๐ข๐ฏ๐ด๐ค๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ. โฃโฃ
Something great is happening, and I can see it coming!
Sorry Magazine VLM 2018 You’re In Magazine VLM 2019
What most people wonโt know, is that it was my second attempt at getting into the London Marathon Ballot, my second try and first win. What people also won’t know is that I am very glad my first entry was rejected. I could have been Marathon ready but I’m glad I didn’t have the pressure to train so early on into my running life, having that rejection gave me time to build a better foundation for my running mechanics and build up experience and miles in a slower, safer way. I am just as thankful for that sorry magazine as I was for my second magazine.
Following my second entry to the ballot and being the incessant Running Geek that I am and eager to run one of the World Major Marathons, and dare I say the most sought after Marathon [Boston is a different playing field, as most of us runners would agree]: I swatted over the Marathonโs statistics and specifically the ballot statistics for months before the results were out. I knew the general odds of getting in via the Ballot were not in my favour.ย The odds worked out as this: Around 414,100 odd entered the ballot for 2019’s race and only 17,500 would be given a Ballot entry. The remaining places would be offered to Charities, Good For Age, Championship, Elites and then Competitions. My odds were about 4%. Despite this, I knew that I would be running the London Marathon 2019, in some way or another. I had never been so certain of any other dream or goal in my life before. I was so certain that I booked the Annual Leave from work during May 2018, I saved the Note: โLondon Marathon [followed with some excitable emojis]โ. I knew I was going, and I put it out to the universe, and thanked my lucky stars, and continued to visualise.ย
Despite this I was still anxious, eagerly, frantically awaiting my ballot result in October; because life has taught me not to count chickens before their hatched! This is a slightly contradictory rule to live by when you also try to believe and be positive, and use the law of attraction when you can.
09/10/2018 Gran Canaria
It was our first day on holiday. I sent my mother a text message in the morning asking her to check my post for me and explained why. She told me: โYes I did see a London Magazine but Iโve not opened the package, Iโve left it there for youโ. My excitement ran through my whole body, like adrenaline pulses your body before a tough workout. I needed to know what the magazine said – but of course, mum was out having her nails done and then meeting a friend for lunch, so Iโd have to be a little more patient. Of course my stepdad was out for a few hours too arrrrgh!! I had to play along with the waiting game, and tried to remain calm. Someone on Instagram shared that you could access your Buzz account and your ballot result would be online, I tried but failed to login. Once I accessed my account I could not see anywhere how you could find that information, I swear it must have been a joke so I knew patience it had to be. During that morning I downloaded the following book to my Kindle: โ Run Smartโ by John Brewer. I started the book, and was fascinated, reading page after page. Gripped!
Sat on a sunbed on a beach in Gran Canaria, I reached for my phone and took it off Plane Mode – I didnโt care about using additional data, Iโd waited long enough now. I checked my phone through the glaring sun to see mum had messagedโฆ there was an image, Eeeek! The moment of truth. My hands were shaking as I tried to unlock my phone, using my other hand to aid me from the sun. There it was: โYouโre in!โ I was in, I was going to run a Marathon. THE LONDON MARATHON. I had won the lottery. The lottery that is the London Marathon Ballot. I was a lucky 4% holder of an entry to one of the greatest races ever. I cried with absolute joy, I was so happy.
It did not seem coincidental to me that Iโd downloaded the John Brewer Book that morning, I was running a Marathon – theย ultimate Marathon and I would train sensibly, and “Run Smart” acquiring all knowledge possible to ensure the BEST lead up to my first ever Marathon, to ensure when I toed the line in April 2019 I was ready and certain of my fate, as certain as I was that I was to run this race.ย
Yes the odds may not be in everyone’s favour – but you just never know! If you have entered the Ballot for 2020 and wish to run the race, have faith and believe. If you get in that’s great! If you don’t get in well maybe the Universe may have other plans for you, or maybe it’s just not the right timing – YET! Que Serรก, serรก – what will be will be.
Check the link for Anthony Hatswell’s write up on the VLM Ballot odds:
Flashback to Autumn 2013, living in Valencia. This was me, absolutely on cloud 9, Life was beautiful, grass was the greenest, the sky was always blue. Everything happened for a reason, stars aligned daily, hourly in fact. Everything was attainable, and I was positive 24/7, I was invincible. It was an exhilarating time, a time of no fears, no angst, just pure confidence and happiness. But it was shortly lived.
Fast forward just four months later, and I could barely leave my flat, I couldnโt socialise. I couldnโt care for myself. I was addicted to food, binging, then purging, body shaming, exercising in disgust and to punish but also in attempt to grasp hold of my physical and mental health but failing miserably. I left my flat only to walk to the shop and buy more food, to binge and release a crazy short lived euphoria, the result of a release of dopamine when binging. I put on around 2 stone in just 4 months. I was severely depressed and despite already taking prescribed medications, living in a beautiful city, with great friends around me, no need to work, I was the most unhappy I have ever been.
Luckily I did eventually become better, but it was a long, long time before I did, years in fact. I have experienced mental health issues since the age of 16, I am now 27. I went a long time with no diagnosis following some life events including the passing of my brother when I was 14. I was initially diagnosed with depression, but later was given a diagnosis of Bipolar (Type 2), by two separate psychiatrists two years apart. Looking back Iโd say I was definitely depressed more than I was ever happy, or hypomanic, as I did experience at least twice, including the first part of my year abroad in Valencia. I was so desperate on so many occasions for the help I needed, so much so I sought professional help privately. Firstly, and luckily through family health insurance, and the second time by using my student overdraft and loan. It was a gruelling few years, and admittedly I have pushed away many memories and have forgotten them as best I can, because it makes me a little sad when I think just how poorly I was.
April 2014
During these years of enduring mental health issues, body image and disordered eating have been prominent. Initially, what started off as a healthy choice and execution of losing weight was soon to become the beginning of several years of managing, or not managing, a series of dieting, restricting, exercising, losing weight, then gaining weight, binging, purging, and punishing exercise. I was initially overweight and lost three and a half stone when I was just 16 and whilst at secondary school. This weight loss was for the majority, a heathy thing, though I probably didnโt need to lose the final half a stone.
As my mental health worsened over the years, my confidence lowered, or rather it disappeared totally, and my ability to socialise was almost non existent. My mental health and body image ruled my life for such a long time, and consequently as I despaired from it all I suffered with suicidal ideation, and on two occasions took an overdose, one of which resulted in a 3 day hospital stay.
Nowadays, I almost find it hard to believe just what occurred, and how I felt for so long. Today I am the happiest I have ever been, the most confident I have ever been, and I love to socialise. I have not being taking anti-depressants for 2 1/2 years, and I havenโt had to take my other medication for 9 months. Donโt get me wrong, I have some periods, some dips in mood, or struggles with social events, and anxiety but it is nothing like it used to be. Iโd say it is manageable 95% of the time. Although there are certainly some other contributing factors towards this new found self such as age, life experience, stability and routine with job and daily life, and a stable relationship, I do have to account running for the primary reason. This may sound daft to some, but probably for the most reading this it will sound perfectly normal, as Iโd hazard a guess that 99% of the audience are runners themselves.
When I started running on the 25/03/17 I donโt think I could have preempted the change that would occur in my life. I started running as a way to help me with my challenge to quit smoking for lent that year, which I achieved. It enabled me to keep living my life without the need for anti-depressants, it allowed me to be healthy and active and keep in shape. It has introduced me to a whole new community and social circle I never had before, this support has been a huge blessing in my life. It has assisted me in keeping a stable and healthy bodyweight, and has amazingly kept my disordered eating at bay. This is without a doubt the healthiest relationship I have had with food since – forever! Again I account this to running.ย
September 2018
Running allows me to be motivated, to be determined, to never give up when times are difficult. To get up and go even when you donโt feel like moving at all, to be resilient and strong. To be brave and confident, and socialise when you fear it the most; to be proud and happy. It has taught me to be enthusiastic, and goal-orientated, it has shown me dreams I never knew I had. Most importantly it has taught me to love life more than Iโve ever loved and enjoyed it before, and for that reason I am forever grateful.
I urge anyone who may be feeling a little blue, or out of sorts, to speak up. Tell a loved one, or colleague, seek support and advice, know that there is support available.
Something I had to try and convince myself many a day: This will pass, it wonโt stay forever.
Not Another Runner's Blog 